Dear Diary

The Boy went home this weekend for his high school reunion.  I saw him Wednesday night, spoke briefly on Friday, and then didn’t speak to him again until late Sunday.  I was miserable.  He went home over Memorial Day for the same amount of time, but this time was much harder for me (and come to find out, for him).  I didn’t speak to him for 2 days and it made me feel like part of my brain (and heart) was missing.  That was mostly due to Saturday being rough for reasons I won’t get into on a blog, but I really wanted to speak to him, even if just for five minutes.  I didn’t call him because I had told him I would see him when he got back.  Next time I will just call and be the needy girlfriend and risk embarrassing him in front of his friends.  I’ve got no shame.  Or very minimal.

Last night, he signed on just before bed and we happened to catch each other.  He shared bits about all of his classmates that he had reconnected with, and that one of his friends and long-time girlfriend decided to get engaged over dinner, and then how his parents were doing.  And some other cute comments because he is awesome…that lead to him saying,

“I still don’t know how my dad feels about us.  He tried to subtly hint that I should hook up* with A Friend’s sister.”**

Followed by,

“My mom is keeping him in check though.”

Followed by,

“He doesn’t tell me outright anymore that I should just leave you.”***

I think that was about the time the tears started welling up.  And again now, as I write this.  I don’t know if he thinks he mentioned all of this to me before, but he hadn’t.  It’s not the kind of news one ever wants to hear, but especially late on a Sunday, through instant messaging, when you’re already in a low spot.

But, cue sarcasm, it gets better!

“A Friend and I have a lot in common, which is why I keep referring to him.  He’s engaged to a non-Jewish girl. But for him, his mother is Jewish but his dad is not.  And so his mom is bugging him and his dad is telling her to just be quiet.  Both my parents are Jewish, so it’s slightly different, but the role reversal is interesting.”****

I was pretty much silent at this point.  Granted, he does not know that the father of Most Recent Ex refused to meet me during the year-plus of our relationship and referred to me as Jackhole and other lovely sexually-charged epithets for the duration of our relationship.  (Because his son should have been out sewing his wild oats instead of being in a monogamous relationship at the “way-too-young” age of 25 and that he used every opportunity to remind Most Recent Ex of his opinion.)  And that in the name of honesty, Most Recent Ex told me this each and every time it happened, and failed to relate a single instance of defending us, by omission or because it never happened (knowing him, I suspect the latter).

And The Boy doesn’t know how, specifically, The Ex Before That’s mother rejected me as even a non-serious date for her son because “there’s no way [I’d] ever be a Jew.”  She told her son to break up with me and emotionally manipulated him until he did, but clearly, The Ex Before That had his own boundary issues to begin with for succumbing.

The Boy doesn’t know the details here, just that it happened, so he is not aware of my baggage in terms of insecurities and fears.

But, that last chunk of the conversation honestly hurt the worst.   Am I being compared to non-Jewish fiancé of A Friend?  Does this mean The Boy thinks I’m not Jewish? Or maybe that I’m only somewhat Jewish, like a halfie or something compared to his full-fledged or real Jewishness?

Or was he simply comparing the situation of being a young Jewish man with one Jewish parent disapproving of current relationship status and the other parent (Jewish or not) saying butt out?

I’m torn.  I’m trying to write this down, to get it out of my head, to see if it makes me feel better and address my own insecurities myself.  Do I bring this up to him and ask for clarification? Am I simply being too sensitive?

Sometimes I really hate electronic communication.

*I think this means meet up with, not the sexual definition employed by some of my generation.

**To be fair, he did say: “I don’t even know her!” right after this

*** And here he said: “Which I absolutely refused to do.”

**** And here he said: “he will come around eventually because he wants his kids to be happy above anything.”

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